Bad Snacker

I am sincerely bad at snacking - who knew that this was even a possibility?! I'd be at the beach with friends, still digesting my over-sized breakfast and counting the minutes until it was an appropriate time to devour my lunch, all while watching friends reach for small handfuls of trail mix or popcorn and feeling envious that I couldn't do the same. Why is this, you may ask? It's all because of my oldest friend who challenges me on a daily basis: Disordered Eating.

After years of struggling with more serious eating disorders that involved meal restriction, over-exercising, and -ahem- removal of guilty indulgences, I have healed and come a long way, but still fall victim of having an unhealthy relationship with food. And, my other little evil friend, Comparison, lead me to believe that everything I was doing was wrong. I enjoyed having large, nutritionally packed meals, whereas my friends had the ability to skip meals and live on snacks throughout the day. That's the funny thing about comparison - you may feel totally fine with your decisions until someone points out that they are different from their own; say, putting half of an avocado on my salad because it's a healthy fat that will keep me full between meals, until someone gawks over the amount of calories and fat I am adding to a simple salad (good thing I didn't mention the sunflower seeds, chicken thighs and generous drizzle of olive oil!). This comparison took something from me: my ability to trust my judgement and know my own body's needs, and question them based on someone else's food choices. And, when I tried to change what I already knew worked for me in an effort to be more like my friends, it didn't work out so well.

Instead of loading up meals with proteins, complex carbs and healthy fats, I tried downsizing with the addition of snacks. I wanted to be a part of the cool kid's snacking club. I wanted to keep the avocado off of my salad knowing that I'd be able to reach for some almonds later. I wanted to loosen the grip that my disordered eating had on me - the biggest challenge being strict meal times - and pack some snacks if we were running errands during "lunch time" or knowing we will be having a "late dinner". But this plan backfired, and lead me down a road that was much closer to eating disordered rather than disordered eating.

I felt deprived and hungry after each small meal. When I allowed myself a snack, I never felt satisfied. I also found it hard to stop snacking once I started, likely because my body was searching for the calories it missed at breakfast with that one 200 calorie protein bar. One handful of almonds lead to another 3 or 4. When I acknowledged my true hunger, I'd add a banana to the snacking mix, which still didn't do the trick. I'd find myself rummaging through jars of nuts, seeds, dried fruits, and handfuls of my daughters' cereal to try and rid of this hunger. I'd justify this wave of binge eating by telling myself my choices were healthy - even though nothing in that quantity is good for you. But hey, it was better than those who binged on cookies and cake (there's that evil comparison again!) and so I snacked on. Eventually, I would feel so full and guilt ridden, or carry this snacking right into my next meal, dub the day as ruined, and continue right on snacking afterwards too; all with the promise of an even smaller breakfast the following day and an extra few miles added to my run. The viscous cycle went on for days. It created an even further unhealthy relationship with food, and most important of all, it prevented me from tending to me.

Why couldn't I be someone who snacked throughout the day? Why couldn't one handful of nuts satisfy a twang of hunger? Why did I feel the need to keep on eating once I started? Well, because I am me, Lauren, and Lauren loves food. Lauren uses food as fuel to get through a day, recover from hard work outs, to engage socially, and to respect my body. I wasn't any of these people I was comparing myself to, whether it be the barely-eaters or the cake-bingers. Maybe there wasn't something wrong with me after all. Maybe my love of food lead me to eat such large portions because I wanted the meal experience to last. Maybe I was bad at snacking because snacks are supposed to be quick, on-the-go, or in-between, and I wanted my nourishing meals to be anything but these things. I liked that my over sized, calorie packed salads took me nearly a half hour to eat while I enjoyed each bite slowly, between sips of water and conversations with my family. I liked that this salad would keep me full for the next 4 or 5 hours until dinner, when I could do it all over again. And, in accepting these things about myself, I took away the stress I created around food. I took away the comparisons and the yearning to be different. I embraced my snack-sucking, because it was part of who I was. I, Lauren, food lover, am a bad snacker. And best of all - that's a-okay.