Guilt consumed me. I questioned why I made the choices I did, even if they consisted of healthy foods. After all, it was rarely what I ate or drank but more so how much that concerned me. I only felt bad about having 2 glasses of wine if it was accompanied by mindless trail mix snacking. I only felt bad about making one of my mug brownies if I felt the need to follow it up with an extra handful of almonds or an over-sized mug of cocoa. And, as the disordered eating cycle will have it, I continued on this path of unhealthy portions with the promise of a skipped breakfast and strenuous work out.
Let me tell you a little secret: skipping meals never works. It only provides further justification for unhealthy habits, and sets you up for repeated failure. Sure, skipping breakfast and going for that long run made me feel a little better about the previous nights indulgences, but it came with a cost: guilt, stress, and a deeply unhealthy relationship with food. Not to mention, it brought the "bad" from yesterday into today, preventing this day from being a fresh start; you are already making poor choices (skipping meals, over exercising) because of yesterday's decisions, and these decisions will follow you around all day. You skip breakfast. You are reminded, by hunger and then guilt, of why you skipped breakfast. You make a super healthy detoxifying lunch and skip any sweet treats. By dinner, you're pretty freakin' hungry, so you make a bigger, but still wildly healthy meal. At this point, the thoughts of last night's indulgences fall away as you start to remember that day's exercise - which was likely to be excessive. The calories burned are no longer focused on the day before, but the current day, and the hunger you still feel from that first skipped meal. And, as this viscous cycle comes full circle, you dive into that after dinner snack or dessert, because you skipped breakfast and because you ran long. Needless to say, waking up the next morning doesn't feel much better, and the justifications continue.
This had to be fixed. Not only so I could allow myself the forgiveness of a previous night's enjoyments, but so that I could actually enjoy them, and then let it go. I wanted to be able to enjoy wine with my husband, or movie night snacks with my daughters, and remember those shared moments come morning - not the amount of calories consumed. I needed to loosen the grip my disordered eating had so tightly on me in order to treat my body well. I had to stop viewing my mornings as punishment and instead view them as a fresh start; a time to forgive; turn it into a time to prepare for the day ahead, and give myself permission to eat and exercise according to my body's needs in a healthy way.
I did this by challenging myself. I took the other extreme. If there was an evening I felt I snacked when I didn't need to, indulged more than I would have liked to, or simply ate something that didn't settle with my sensitive gut, I forced myself to sit with the discomfort. I took ownership for my choices, and sat there with them. I didn't allow myself to exercise them away, and I made sure I had breakfast before shoving off to work that morning, Knowing that I didn't justify poor nighttime habits by not eating or over exercising allowed me to take charge of the situation instead of running (literally) from it. Eventually, this lead to more control of my nighttime foodie love because I was no longer able to use food restriction and exercise as an excuse. Once that extra snack was being craved, I reminded myself of those discomforted feelings I would harvest in the morning with nothing to do but sit and experience them. There was no longer an escape, just ownership.
"What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have. So have a great day - unless you have other plans"
View mornings as a clean slate; a fresh start. Forgive yourself from anything that happened yesterday and let yourself be in this little window of now before tomorrow. Give yourself the power of choice. Choose health and happiness, not punishment and restriction. As Shannon Kaiser states in her book Adventures For Your Soul, "we can look at events in our life and see them as problems that hinder us and keep us from what we want, or we can choose to see them as opportunities for growth. We can surround our problems with love". When I took the reins, I chose to tackle my mornings with self love and positivity. I chose to make a healthy, nourishing breakfast that would honor my body. I chose to do this by reminding myself that food is simply fuel, and that regardless of the previous nights decisions, my body deserved forgiveness and care through those healthy proteins, carbs and fats. I chose the fresh start. I chose ownership. I chose to let the guilt go and release the stress encasing it. Because whether I chose to be accepting or negative, it can't change a thing about yesterday's problems, and will only carry them with me into a new day. By accepting what we can't change, we give ourselves the power of creating a better today, here, in this moment. All we have to do is set our minds to it, and follow those thoughts with action. You are sure to have a good day, because it's what you chose to do.
"Accept where you are fully to reach where you want to go faster. You are not broken; there's nothing to fix" - Shannon Kaiser
Recipe Time!
Especially on a morning following an indulgent dessert or extra helpings of salty snacks, it can be hard to decide on an answer to the question I often ask myself while staring into the fridge "What am I in the mood for?!" - I want my breakfast choice to be something I'm actually in the mood for, and not something that reflects the opposite end of the food choices from last night, I also want it to be nourishing and filling, so I can get through a busy work morning and be held over until lunch time. This colorful breakfast has been a staple morning meal - whether the previous night was a snackfest or not - because it's tasty and pretty. And, it's the perfect mixture of sweet and salty to satisfy your craving no matter which way it sways.
The Best Breakfast Ever
Ingredients:
2 hard boiled eggs
1/2 ripe Hass avocado
1 small sweet potato
1 medium cooked beet
Himalayan salt
black pepper
Bake the sweet potato until soft & remove the skin. Dice all ingredients into adorable little cubes, and add to a large bowl. It looks so brilliantly colorful when it's all separated, but as my love for mush-meals will have it, I mix it all together so the flavors are combined. Top with sprinkles of salt and pepper and voila! The best breakfast ever. Packed with protein, healthy fats and complex carbs.
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