When Eating Healthy Can Be Bad

There they were, the container of almonds. Oh, almonds, and the staring contests we would play out while I fought a mental battle with myself, gripping tightly to the snack cabinet. What's a handful? One handful, and that's it. It's a healthy snack, and nothing I should feel bad about. Just one little handful, and I'll be satisfied. I can do it. Handful of almonds, commence. There. But now that handful is gone, and the last thing I feel is satisfied. I re-open the package just to grab a few more. Then another few, and maybe just a few more. By now I am feeling ravenous - maybe I'm just hungry? So I grab for a banana. Still feeling hungry. A few more almonds should do the trick, though now, being aware of all the calories I'm taking in, I'm starting to feel guilty. How can I justify having my days worth of fat and calories in the last 10 minutes? I know! I'll skip dinner. Better yet, I'll skip dinner and plan a long run tomorrow to be sure I burn it off. That'll do it. And because now, it's justified, I might as well have more almonds.

This was the F'd up mentality I had around several foods for as long as I can remember. I'd try so hard to "just have a few", and punished myself mentally and psychically when I was unable to do so. Comparison never did me any good, because I would think "there are people out there who binge on cake, cookies and potato chips - this is not that bad", or I would remind myself that these things were seemingly healthy, which blocked the fact that anything devoured in that amount was, in fact, unhealthy. In this way, eating healthy foods actually lead me to binges. I would have been much better off eating a chemical, fake-food filled candy bar, knowing it was bad for me, and letting that pump the brakes for further snacking. Instead, I reach for the "healthier" options of nuts, organic tortilla chips with guacamole, veggie straws, or homemade "paleo" desserts; but because I was able to identify these foods as "good for me", there was little guilt about reaching for seconds or thirds; that was, until I felt out of control and so full my stomach hurt.

I wanted so badly to be a moderate snacker: someone who could have a bite, handful, or taste of something and let that explosion of flavor on my taste buds create satiety alone. I got angry with myself when that one little taste nearly always turned into a yearning for more. The energy I spent fighting over these food decisions was exhausting; from the self-arguments of "don't do it" to the justifications of my choices being healthy, followed by the punishment of a skipped meal or plan to overexercise. I felt out of control and angry, and the ripple effect of my negative energy reached everyone in my home; yelling at the dogs, low patience with the kids, not wanting to be touched by my husband - everyone suffered because of my battle with food. I was constantly in a state of comparison and yearning that I was too busy wishing I was different to realize who I really was: an abstainer who just loves food.

This realization came after diving into Gretchen Rubin's book Better Than Before. Early on, she describes people as moderators (people who feel satisfied with a little) or abstainers (people who are better off not having certain things whatsoever). Just reading these two descriptions was like a high-five "DUH" to the forehead: I'm not broken, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just trying to force myself into the moderator category when really, I'm an abstainer. I was instantly filled with self love and acceptance along with this realization. It was like I was allowing myself to just be me for the first time. I no longer felt I had to compare myself to others or wish I was different. In the process of simply moving myself into the abstainer mindset, I got to know myself better - and there was a lot to learn.

I learned about my "trigger foods" (nuts, tortilla chips, anything dipped in tahini). I learned when these foods were likely to be overeaten (after a glass of wine, as a nighttime snack, if munched on while cooking). And, I learned what good solutions would be (buying single serving packs, only using these foods in recipes, and abstaining from them otherwise). I had to learn about myself before I could come up with a solution to my problem. I had to own this problem as my own, instead of wishing it away or comparing it to others. I had to tune out all the voices who praised me for being a healthy eater or "so skinny" (why is that a compliment, anyway?), and know for myself how unhealthy I felt. Food had control of me - certain ones, anyway - but I had the power to take that control back by simply learning about myself, and doing something about the areas that created guilt, stress, anxiety, and struggle. Who knew a relationship with such "healthy" foods could be so unhealthy? I had to break up with almonds.

It all comes down to getting to know yourself for who you truly are. You cannot force yourself to be someone you are not if you want to create genuine change. If you are changing because you were told you "should", it will be a short lived change. The change has to be driven from a power that comes from within. You have to create the change, be aware of your strengths, notice how good you feel, and let this self-driven positivity carry you through your habit formation. It takes a lot of hard work to outgrow old habits and create new, long lasting ones, but as long as it's you that wants to make the change and you that is creating the drive to continue, you will be successful. `

Okay, recipe time!

I am a night eater. This is another thing I used to beat myself up for, since you read so many things about not eating after a certain time, or fasting for 16 hours between dinner and breakfast. Nighttime, like my morning coffee, is my time, The day is done, the kids are tucked in, the house is picked up, and I get to put my feet up for what is likely to be the first time all day since that morning coffee. It's also the very small window of relaxation before going to bed and gearing up for the following day's work out and client-packed morning. What I am not at night is a reader or a writer. I am a lazy, tired human who wants to enjoy a lil' somethin' while watching a lil' TV before turning into a pumpkin, as my dad would say. But these snack choices had to honor my body, my needs, and respect my weaknesses. Like a lot of people out there, this is a time when my sweet tooth is in high gear. If a pan of healthy brownies sits on my counter, I'll go back for more. I've learned that. So, my solution was to come up with a healthy, but single-serve option that would be both filling and sweet-tooth-satisfying. And so, my favorite 90 second microwave mug brownie was born.

Ingredients:

1 large egg
1/4 cup almond flour
2 T raw cacao powder
1 T sweetener (I like coconut palm syrup or natural maple syrup)
1t fat (I prefer clarified butter - ghee - but you can also use coconut oil or butter)
1 T brewed coffee
few drops of vanilla
dash of Himalayan salt
optional additions: vanilla ice cream, chopped nuts

In a microwaveable mug, grease the inside with your fat of choice. Whisk the egg with a fork before adding all other ingredients. Mix well, and simply microwave for about 90 seconds.

I like to top mine with just a bit of ice cream while it's still warm! And, because I've also learned that I'm able to have nuts in recipes, I'll often add a few crushed walnuts on top or bake them right in it. It's moist, chocolately, sweet, and filling, so I'm not retreating to the snack cabinet once I reach the bottom of the mug. I enjoy each bite guilt free, because I'm not thinking of those who stopped eating 2 hours ago, or those who chose an apple instead. I'm not wishing that I didn't need this nighttime indulgence, and when I'm finishing, I'm not wishing I didn't eat it. I allow myself to just enjoy it, as Lauren, someone who loves food - even after dinner.